Pathetic

Feeling pathetic about yourself doesn't make you a better Christian. Though popular thinking might support that. For most of my life I thought that guilt and shame were just a normal part of a Christian existence. In fact, I even convinced myself that when I felt that way, it was because I was repentant over my sin, but that's not the truth. What started as repentance quickly became wallowing in self pity. Which isn't pretty from any angle.

The truth is, the root of my self-depricating behavior was not my grief over my sin, but my lack of faith and my pride. The truth is, it's easy for me to believe in the grace of God when I don't need it. As soon as I sin, especially a sin that I judge as "big" or "dirty" or "extra bad", I doubt whether God really forgives me right away. Which is pathetic and the reason I do it, even more pathetic. The reason I do it isn't because I'm so broken over my sin. The real reason I do it, is because most days, no matter how many times I read "it is by grace you have been saved through faith, so no man can boast (eph 2:8)" I still believe in the way I respond, that God is keeping a record of my rights and wrongs. I still believe, in that moment that I'm not measuring up. And then, instead of turning to Christ and accepting his Grace. I sit, in self pity, because I've failed again to redeem myself in my actions. I feel that way because I still, some days, don't want to admit that I need a Savior. I still believe I should have some part or role in my own salvation, even though I don't.

If whatever you are feeling after you sin, doesn't cause you to worship and seek Christ, it isn't repentance. It's guilt, self-pity, or shame, no matter what you name it, it's your pride. True repentance produces worship. True repentance puts God in His proper place and you in yours. True repentance is the first step in healing, not wallowing.

When it comes down to it, my true theology is what I practice; not what I claim to believe or even what I've memorized and theorized about. When my reactions and emotions do not match up with what I know or believe to be true, it must begin the process in me again. It must take me back to Christ and to a process of self-evaluation, so that what I believe can match what I practice.

Lord, help me not to be pathetic.

Annoying Boyfriend.

With permission from Andrew.. here you go.

Andrew used to do this really annoying thing when we started dating. When I would vent to him about a person, situation, or nearly any frustration he would take the finger I was pointing at the person I was frustrated at and point it at me. He'd remind me that I do whatever it is that I was frustrated with another person for doing and it drove me absolutely CRAZY. To answer your question guys, Yes, Andrew is fearless. Most guys would not have the cajones to say that to a woman who's frustrated. You can see how this would be a recipe for disaster.

However there is something that he doesn't know... the reason it drove me absolutely crazy is cause he was absolutely right. Actually, he probably does know that. Man, it's annoying dating someone who is mature, pretty much always right, and knows it. Annoying and Awesome.

But I digress. Even though he graciously hears me out and doesn't say it anymore, it still plays in my head every time I'm frustrated with someone. What started out as annoying has become a really useful tool in not wasting time and energy being annoyed by people. By recognizing that I do the very things I'm annoyed with, it's made it much easier for me to love people where they are at, because when I do those things I need that grace from others. It's helped me point out areas in my life that I judge myself too harshly and because of that, I judge others too harshly too. Now, when people annoy me, which they do, it's an opportunity for me to discover something about myself and sort it out.

The result has been that I am much more Zen about things. Much more peaceful. Much more unburdened by the eccentricities of others that I used to use and still do at times as a distraction from dealing with my own issues. It doesn't mean I want to be everyone's BFF all of the sudden, but it is making it easier to give grace to myself and others.

Tuche Belleci. Tuche. :)

Old Regimes

"Although this kingdom was given to David by God, David would have to take it from the old aristocracy."-Beth Moore

A group of ladies and I have been going through a book about David written by Beth Moore. It's been an interesting experience. I think I've been more interested in the time I get to spend with these ladies than what we've been going through, though both have been rich. I have a very Texas sort of crush on Beth Moore. I wish I didn't like her, because I feel like that would make me a lot cooler, but she's pretty much one of the only legit Christian women speakers. (In my opinion, which is the only one that matters on my blog).

I love this quote. I've written a lot about the effort it takes to move on, to grow, to move past, and this speaks to that. You're probably over it by now, but I'm not so ha. Personal growth takes work and effort. You don't magically become a different person, or in this case King. You'll remain under the "old regime" for as long as you allow yourself to.

This quote also speaks to the awkward in between. I feel like I keep finding myself in these almost/not yet sort of situations. I haven't arrived in any area of my life which is exciting and yet unsettling. There are certain things they don't tell you when you're growing up. Like, when you graduate from college, you aren't going to get the job of your dreams. In fact, you'll probably have the job of your nightmares, if you're lucky, that will have nothing to do with what you actually want to do. Oh, or you'll find what you thought you wanted to do, you wouldn't want to do in a million years.

You'll find yourself in relationships that are grey and confusing with people who are grey and confusing (which are the best kind of people by the way, see Alice in Wonderland:

The Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?

[Alice checks Hatter's temperature]
Alice Kingsley: I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.)

You'll have more questions than answers, and much more to learn.

But no one tells you that. They tell you what to do next, but not what's coming after. They don't teach you how to pursue the future for yourself. They don't prepare you to make your own decisions. Because all of the sudden, you decide what's coming next and what's happening after. And while that is an all together terrifying experience. It is rich with possibility and those of us who believe in God can do so with a peace that there is purpose in whatever place we find ourselves.

What I love about this quote is what hope there is. David might not have the kingdom yet, but He will, because it's God's will. That doesn't mean David sits back and waits for God to hand him the kingdom. He had to do the work. He had to take it.

So what did he do in the meantime? He spent time with God so he'd know when to move and then he moved when God said move. He took the kingdom.

Messy Grace

I don't know if I mentioned it much, but I work for this church. This church that believes in grace (aka "unmerited favor"). What church people mean when they say that is God did it all. It's not cause we're good or cool (if you've ever met a Christian you can approve that statement). It's cause God is so gracious He chooses to be kind to us. Even though we're, well, us.

There is one catch though. Once you've received grace, you're supposed to extend it. We have a hard time with this one. Especially at church. Most churches are places where people feel judged, guilted or shamed for who they are. I'm lucky to be at a place that doesn't value that. We like to consider ourselves a church of grace, however, putting our money where our mouth is is hard. There comes a point when you are extending grace to someone that you come to a place where you are forced to allow your reputation to be "tarnished" for the sake of extending grace to a person the world might feel is unqualified. It's really easy to extend grace to someone when it makes you look good. I mean even talking about it makes you look good. Who wouldn't want to call themselves gracious? It sounds so altruistic. But actually doing it? That's messy. That's hard.

I haven't always been a person who errs on the side of grace. In fact, most of the time, I fear I've been the opposite, but that's slowly changing in me. The older I'm getting, the more I'm realizing just how disqualified I am from earning God's grace. As I realize it, it compels me to show it to others. Grace though it seems passive, is actually a very active choice. You have to choose to care more about extending grace to a person that what a judgmental loudmouth (see me a couple years ago, and still on a bad day) would say. You have to care more about grace than your reputation.

Recently, I was handling a sticky situation at the church. A person of a not so perfect reputation coming around and wanting to serve. We've seen this many times. I mean if we disqualified people from serving based on their sin, we'd have a pretty empty church, and no staff members. What do you do when people are pointing out someone and asking, should this person be "allowed" to serve?

As we were chewing on the issue, we examined the persons heart and intentions, their openness to truth being spoken into their life, their ability to really understand truth, and where they are at in their relationship with the Lord.

Then I started to think. God really tarnished his reputation by extending grace to us. I mean, God is perfect. Holy. Awesome. Wonderful. And yet, a large part of the world sees Him as a joke because of Christians. God chose to care more about loving us, about extending us grace, than protecting His reputation. The least I can do is forfeit mine in the same way. Will I get burned? Maybe. Probably, but God's been burned a few times too. Does it mean I stop speaking truth? Absolutely not, but I want to do so considering where a person is at in this journey with God. If we get in the trenches with people, odds are things are going to get a little dirty, and I ain't scared of getting a little dirt under my nails. Will there be those who don't understand? Surely, but it's not my job to appease the masses. It's not my job to silence the voices of judgment. All I need to do is be willing to be misunderstood for the sake of grace.

The Pygmalion Project

You may or may not know the story of Pygmalion. In ancient Cyprus, Pygmalion went on a search for the perfect woman. One problem, he couldn't find her (go figure). So he decided to build one. He had the perfect woman carved out of stone and he fell madly in love with her. The only problem? She was made of stone. Aphrodite felt bad for him (I'm not sure why) and turned his woman of stone into flesh. A true love story indeed.

In the field of psychology there is a phenomenon based on this myth. I learned about it in a family relations class I took in college and it has always fascinated me, because I've found it to be crazy true.

The Pygmalion Project is a struggle going on beneath the surface in relationships. Basically, each member of the couple is trying to change the other into their "perfect" mate. The problem is, they were attracted to their mate for a reason and part of that reason is their "imperfection." If they succeed in their efforts, they are often disappointed, because the person they fell for isn't the same anymore.

I started thinking, Are we doing the same with God? Am I trying to change the image I have of God? And what happens if I succeed? When I attribute characteristics to God that aren't true, I am doing that very thing. It may be impossible to change God as you can change the person you're in a relationship with, but you can certainly change, dilute, or distort your image of God. I can easily start to believe untruths about God. When I do that I am pretty much composing my own god out of stone. A god that accepts my sin. A god that brushes over my mistakes. A god that is mellow. A god that is passive.

If I'm honest, I am much more comfortable with a loving, always accepting, grandpa, teddy bear of a god. I am much more comfortable with a passive god, because that means I get to be in control. I think the root of this is biblical. In Genesis 3 it talks about "a woman's desire being for her husband." What that means is a desire for his position, a desire to be in control, and I think that desire does not end with "my husband's" position, I think I'm after God's too. In fact, I often breeze over, excuse, and belittle my sin, when in fact, God is far from cool with it, though He graciously forgives it.

Men distort their image of God too. Their ideal god is cool with their sexual immorality. At the very least he tolerates it. Don't believe me? Check out every religion created by men, it ALWAYS involves a distorted view of sexuality. Mormons? polygamy. Islam? a buttload of virgins. The greeks? Oracle sex. And the list goes on and on, but it is not just limited to other religions. Lets face it, guys would really like it if God was cool with or glazed over their desire for pornography or their lust for other women. The issue is rarely talked about publicly, but is a secret struggle for many good men. When the truth is, God is far from tolerate of it. Though He provided mercifully for it's covering a long time ago.

If we're not careful, if I'm not careful, to preserve my image of God for who He really is, I'll attribute characteristics to him that are untrue. I'll in effect change Him into someone I'm more comfortable with and in the meantime I'll be creating my own god of stone. The result is not only that I have distorted His image, but I am no longer attracted to Him or desire Him, because the god I've created is no longer holy, righteous, or just. I've succeeded in completing my own version of the Pygmalion Project. He is no longer Him and most likely I'll blame Him for my lack of desire for Him. I'll wonder why He's become silent. I'll cry out to my god of stone, while a holy, perfect and true God is waiting for me to acknowledge Him for who He truly is.

Is your god a god of flesh or stone?

Good Stuff Coming soon.

And by soon, I mean like later today, but I'm so excited about it I thought I'd give a teaser.

"Women want a god who is passive. So they can feel loved and walk all over him. Men want a god who is cool with them having sex with everyone and everything."

yep, I actually said that. Check back in for a full explanation later :)

Short Comings

I'm short. Not midget short, but definitely below average. I didn't know I was short until I was in first grade. Peter Brionez told me. During 1st recess he told me that I was so short I looked like a tater tot. I didn't have a come back. I just went back into class when the bell rang and then went home and cried. Now it doesn't seem that terrible. I mean tater tots are awesome and thanks to Napolean Dynomite they have become a pop culture staple.

I wonder how long it would have taken me to figure out that I was short if Peter Brionez hadn't told me.

There are some things about being short that are nice that you might not be aware of (especially you tall people):

1. Low center of gravity, I rarely fall.

2. I've never been too tall for a guy

3. I don't hit my head on things

4. Never have to worry about high waters (well, I guess I have to worry about actual high bodies of water, but not the fashion don't)

5. I'm awesome at hide and go seek

6. I always have enough leg room. period.

7. I've never scared a child.

However, with all of these advantages, there are some drawbacks:

1. People pet you a lot

2. they also pick you up. Not cool.

3. there's the obvious inability to reach things on the top shelf, that sucks.

4. I'll never be "discovered" as the new face/body of Chanel

5. I think it contributes to people not taking me seriously.

6. No matter how old I get I'll look like a kid.

Whatever the pluses and minuses are, I am, and there's no fighting it. I couldn't look at Peter Brionez and tell him, "no I'm not," or "so are you," because what he said was true. Harsh, strange, immature, but true. I wish it was as easy to admit short comings about myself that aren't so obvious. When I'm faced with criticism I usually have a come back. Why do I fight even what I know deep down to be true? Why would I rather pretend to be taller than I really am? Especially when I'm not fooling anyone. Why do we fool ourselves into believing we are a bigger deal than we actually are? Why do I care so much about covering up those short comings? Do I really believe I am fooling anyone else? Do I really believe that if I argue hard enough, and hide long enough, that the world around me will think I'm good and perfect?

I think I do. On some sick level, if the people around me think I'm good, a nice person, fun, sweet, friendly, insert whatever you wish to be here, then it must be true. Why don't we want to believe about ourselves what we already know to be true on some level? Probably cause it sucks. Probably because it's a lot easier to think we're doing better than we actually are. That's why I'm thankful for the Peter Brionez's in my life. People who can be honest with me about my shortcomings. I just hope I can grow to acknowledge them, accept them, and work on changing them.

My dear reader there are areas in your life where you are a "tater tot." I can only hope you have a more tactful Peter Brionez in your life to let you know.