This week: a portrait of my family.

Hey Blog friends,

I usually reserve my very rarely updated blog for the aha moments God gives me as I skip, jump, twirl, fall, and walk along this road with Him. However, my aha moment this week is not what he's showing me now, but what he's already shown me. I was reading Romans 16 this week, Paul's shout out to his peeps and realized the impact 

of people in my life. I am who I am because of the influence of others in my life. So this week I would like to share with you portraits of lives that have influenced me. Family members here and past who have shaped who I am. 

They aren't spiritual giants that will end up in text books. They aren't perfect. But they aspired to lead quiet lives that please the Lord and for that humble example I am eternally grateful. Hope you enjoy their inspiring stories as much as I do.

My love affair with Amos Lee

At first it was just a crush and I thought maybe it was just infatuation. But these feelings are real and go much deeper than I first expected. I am absolutely in LOVE with Amos Lee and I don't care who knows it. 

His sultry voice and soulful lyrics touch my soul and I'm just going to say it, unapologetically, because it's the truth, even though it is sappy. Though in my mind he is a very single, lovely man who loves Jesus and respects women, I realize that is most likely fantasy. However, I think he accidentally nailed the core struggle of walking in holiness with Christ. 

In his song "Seen it All Before" he has this lyric that has always haunted me. "Stuck between the depths of my fears and the peaks of my pride." And that is exactly it. He unintentionally nailed the daily struggle we experience to walk in step with Christ. Every time I fall, every time I choose something besides Christ it's because of one of those things. My fear or my pride. 

My pride tells me I don't need Him, that I got this. My fears tell me I can't trust Him. When I am emptied out before the Lord that is what gets exposed. My fears and my pride. And that is what they feel like! My pride is puffed up like a peak and I come crashing down off the top of it when the Lord in His grace humbles me before I'm too much of an idiot. And my fears.. they feel like depths. When I wallow there in my fears and insecurities, they are paralyzing and when I truly search them I realize the black hole-like spiral they send me into. 

Somewhere in between those places, of darkness and fleeting self sufficiency there is a sweet spot of dependency on Christ. This beautiful place that is much less dramatic and maybe even less exciting than bouncing back and forth through the extremes of emotion we experience when we ping pong back and forth between living in fear and living in pride. But the peace that we're longing for in the core of us is there, one that's beyond understanding.

Let yourself fall in love.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el74EUL1swQ

Let's Get Physical

I like people. A lot. The people in my life are important to me. Sometimes I will go to great lengths to show the people I care about how much I care about them. It's been about a month since I've seen my grandmother. I know that because the last time I saw her it was when we were shopping at TJ Maxx and in order to save an extra 20% that day I opened up an account with them. They have a 28 day billing cycle, and my bill was due today. When I realized that I figured I should see her, because I assume if I haven't spent quality time with a person in awhile, they probably think I don't care about them.

My grandmother is a very interesting woman. First of all, she doesn't look like a grandmother and she hates that word because that is a name for an old woman and she is not old. In our family, she is Ama. Much better. A little over a year ago, my grandfather passed away. For the first time in her adult life, she found herself alone. I mean she still has all of us, but we don't live with her and pay her bills. So, she did a very respectable thing and went on a job search. She interviewed and was hired to work the front desk at Sierra Racquet Club. Her duties include, scheduling courts, opening up the facilities, ringing up customers who are renewing their memberships and so forth. One of the perks of her job is that her family gets in free. 

When I realized I hadn't seen my Ama in a while, I called her, only to discover that she works on my day off. She insisted I come in to take one of the classes at the club and visit her. I was willing, both to see her and alleviate some of my guilt.

I got there and she immediately started introducing me to everyone. I finally understand where I get my obsessive need to try and know everyone from. She knew every person in the club, their family history, their story, and their normal workout regiment. When we finally made it to our class, I realized how out of place I was. I looked around and saw that everyone there, except for me and my teacher, would qualify for a senior special. The class consisted of mostly ladies and then the token two random guys in an aerobics class. In an aerobics class there are always a couple and they are always the same. The first is gay and/or foreign, and the second is straight, probably staring at your butt, and must make stupid jokes the entire class to prove to the class that he is not the gay/foreign one. But I digress...

Our teacher quickly instructed me to pick up five different instruments and apparatuses we were going to use for the class. Though she was relatively young, it became apparent, nothing about how this class was run had changed in the last 30 years. We even had those rubber band pully things with handles that I had only really seen on that Olivia Newton John video from years ago. 

As the work out began I realized something else. I am WAY out of shape and super competitive. Not a good combination. Here I am looking around at these old ladies and dudes and they were way better at this stuff than I am. It was very humbling to say the least. I couldn't wait for class to end. Our instructor bounced around a lot, you could tell she was trying to keep it fresh, but it was the same old thing. Was it working? Yes. I could feel the burn, so to speak, but Did I enjoy it? No. 

This experience got me thinking. Why wouldn't I go back to this class? Why didn't I enjoy it? Did I get a good workout? YES! I am so sore already. Did I not enjoy the people? Besides the creepy dude, which there is always one, yes. The ladies were sweet and funny and I enjoyed working out with them. Was it the music? Maybe sometimes. Then I realized what the fatal flaw of the class was... it wasn't innovative. It was boring, because it's been done, and overdone, about a thousand times. At work we talk a lot about wanting to innovate and push things farther, but there was something about seeing this pocket of irrelevance in a time where so many other options are available that made me realize how important innovation is and will become as I continue to age. What I know innately now, because of my youth, will become irrelevant and what we've done will become dated, sooner than we are ready to accept. There's just got to be a way to keep the effectiveness of the workout and the results it produced, without having it look exactly the same. 

Your thoughts?

The end before the beginning

I've never been happy with the physical art I've created. I always have this definite picture in my head of how I want it to look and the finished product is never even close to what I had imagined. I don't think real artists have that. I don't think they know the end before the beginning.  Most artists say that they let the picture take them where it leads or something vague and frustrating like that. I started to wonder, Is that indicative of my life? Do I have a picture of what I want the end to be? Am I disappointed when God does something else, even if it is better for me?

My mind never stops. I mean never. I dream every night and I don't listen to music in the car when I'm by myself because I usually forget to turn it on. My mind spins as I try to piece together the past to predict the future. Someone asked me recently why I do this and my response, though sincere at the time, wasn't complete. I told him I'm usually thinking about people, trying to figure out what they are doing and why they are doing it. True. However, that explains what I am thinking about, not why. When I honestly thought about it, I realized I was protecting myself. If I can figure out what is coming next I can prevent myself from being hurt or disappointed. Not true, but it feels true to me sometimes. The truth is, with life, much like art, it is pretty much impossible to figure out the end before the beginning. In the end you are left either with feeling disappointed about life or about your process, because one or both are bound to be wrong or unfair. 

So here's my challenge. To live in the present. Vulnerable. Terrified. And excited to see what the master will artfully put together. 

Epiphany

I had this Indian professor once. Indian like from India not Native American.  Anyway, her name was Uma, because when she was born her parents took her to the priest or priestess of their Hindu church.  Every new baby is taken there and they give a sound that their name will start with. "U' is what they got, it didn't leave them many options, so Uma it was. 

Uma was the very first college professor I ever had and that was the first thing she told us my freshman year at Fresno State. It's always stuck with me. As I've been trying to name my blog I've been thinking about it. Those priests or priestesses got a message from "god" and that was the vowel they would give. I'm pretty sure God is not so concerned with what I name a blog. Probably not even with what I name my children someday. So that's not the route that got me to Epiphany.

I started this blog for a couple reasons. 

First, I love to write. Always have. But the idea of actually letting people read what I write has always made me a bit nauseated. I figured it was time to grow up a bit, step out a bit, and let people into a part of me that has been somewhat hidden for a long time. 

It's turned out to be absolutely terrifying, but in an exciting away. Probably like sky diving or bungee jumping if I'd done either of those things.

Second, the only thing I write about are these little theories I develop about life and things God teaches me as I experience the life He's laid out for me and as I watch people. 

So, Thank you for your suggestions, but they kinda sucked. So I began searching and playing around in the dictionary. I stumbled upon this definition and it was love at first sight.

Here's the definition that sealed the deal: 

3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. 

I don't have anything new or fancy to offer. I barely know how to work this blog thing. But I'm absolutely fascinated by the mysteries of life unfolded in simple, homely, & commonplace occurrences. If you are too, keep reading and enjoy my little epiphanies for whatever they are worth.

Boxes

When I was in Kindergarten we had these puzzles we worked on.  Mrs. Brammer would give us a sheet of paper with four pictures in a random order.  The pictures were a sequence that was out of order. So, it was our job to cut out the four drawings and put them in the order that they occurred. It was always the same sort of thing. Some guy named Jim picked up a bat and a ball. Then Jim went outside and his friend Tim pitched a ball to him.  Then Jim hit the baseball.  And finally, it went straight threw his mother's window. These cartoons were supposed to teach us to think about what our actions may produce.  

One day I was climbing on the counters in my parent's kitchen. I was hanging from the very top shelf trying to reach something I should never reach (for the life of me I can't remember what it is now). My mother walked in and she didn't yell and she didn't grab me.  She looked at me and said, "Cambria June, you know those sequence puzzles you do at school.  What do you think the next box will look like if you are hanging from the top shelf?" So I sat on the counter and thought about it.  Almost immediately I got this mental picture of me laying on the ground, my arm bent in half the wrong way like a cartoon character. So I climbed down, very carefully.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about consequences. I'm an idealist so I think about the future a lot, but not in a very tangible way. Like I think about what the future could and should be like, but not about what my actions today are producing for me in the future. This week I was reading in Ecclesiastics and came across a verse that struck me. Eccl. 8:11 says, "Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil." 

I started thinking about that and I realized, the next box is coming. Even if you can't see it right now. The sequence continues. Right now, my actions today, are storing up consequences for tomorrow. But because the sentence for evil, or the negative consequences of evil action or inaction are not executed speedily, I don't think about the next box. 

I think the opposite of this verse is the same.  Because the fruit of righteousness is not produced quickly, the hearts of the sons of men become faint and are not fully set on doing good. It's easy to lose faith if we forget about the next box, the consequence of our actions today.

The next box is always unknown and it drives me crazy. However, I do know the last box. And maybe that's it. The challenge for me is to live my life in light of the last box, without knowing the next.  Maybe, that's the secret to setting your heart on doing good. I don't know the next box. I don't know if the fruit of doing good will come in the next box or the ones after that. But I do know, I get Jesus. If I can just focus on that box and forget about the ones in between, if I can set my heart on Him. I think the doing good thing will come. 

Comfortably Numb

It's not just the naming of the blog that's been difficult for me. Lately I've just lacked inspiration. Typically, I don't have a hard time going deep, in fact, I usually spend too much time completely immersed in my own self deprecating thoughts. However, lately things have been comfortable. I have felt so comfortably numb in the past couple of weeks and all of the sudden it just occurred to me, things are good right now.  Life is good right now. I have so many incredible people and relationships in my life.  I'm not dating anyone and I don't even care. My family is amazing. I love my job and I'm good at it. Everyone is relatively healthy. My sister hasn't been shot lately.  I mean life is good. I don't know what to do with that. The last year of my life has been this awful series of one painful event after another and in some weird, upside down way I felt closer to God than I have ever felt. So now, my prayers are answered and my life is going really well and I'm scared because I don't know if I know how to stay as close to Him as I have been when things are good. 

Then I start to think maybe my life isn't good right now. Like it's good in an American sense, but maybe it's not good in a Jesus sense.  Maybe I have become too comfortable. Or maybe I have been shopping too much. But I really like shopping. Am I allowed to like Jesus and shopping? I mean if you gave me the choice Jesus or the clothes I just got on clearance there's no contest I pick Jesus, but is that enough? Maybe I have too many things around me and I can't feel him anymore.  Or maybe and this one really sucks if it's true, maybe I'm not supposed to be happy or comfortable. Maybe I don't feel content because I was never supposed to be here, in this place where life is comfortable. Because Christ has called me to come and die not to hit a good sale, put on a good event, and be a model citizen.  And dying seems pretty uncomfortable. I don't know if I died at all today and I'm supposed to be dying every day. But dying every day is so exhausting.  All I wanted while I was hurting and delving into these awful issues from my past and present was not to feel the pain anymore and now, I'm not sure what I want exactly. 

I don't think that God doesn't want me to be happy. He's blessed me too much, with too many incredible relationships and situations not to want me to enjoy them.  Maybe the problem isn't my situations, maybe it's me.  Maybe my relationship with God is a little high school.  You know in High School there was always that couple that had a ton of drama.  They were constantly fighting, breaking up and getting back together and you wondered, Why do they even stay together? Maybe my relationship with Jesus is sort of like that.  Maybe I don't know how to just be with Him without drama. I mean we aren't breaking up and getting back together, but I definitely wonder why He's stayed with me all of this time sometimes.  So, I guess it's time to grow up.  I don't want God to always have to teach me things the hard way, I'd actually really like to learn things without forcing His hand.  So, this is the new frontier for me... How to walk with God when things are good.