Monday, January 26, 2009

Comfortably Numb

It's not just the naming of the blog that's been difficult for me. Lately I've just lacked inspiration. Typically, I don't have a hard time going deep, in fact, I usually spend too much time completely immersed in my own self deprecating thoughts. However, lately things have been comfortable. I have felt so comfortably numb in the past couple of weeks and all of the sudden it just occurred to me, things are good right now.  Life is good right now. I have so many incredible people and relationships in my life.  I'm not dating anyone and I don't even care. My family is amazing. I love my job and I'm good at it. Everyone is relatively healthy. My sister hasn't been shot lately.  I mean life is good. I don't know what to do with that. The last year of my life has been this awful series of one painful event after another and in some weird, upside down way I felt closer to God than I have ever felt. So now, my prayers are answered and my life is going really well and I'm scared because I don't know if I know how to stay as close to Him as I have been when things are good. 

Then I start to think maybe my life isn't good right now. Like it's good in an American sense, but maybe it's not good in a Jesus sense.  Maybe I have become too comfortable. Or maybe I have been shopping too much. But I really like shopping. Am I allowed to like Jesus and shopping? I mean if you gave me the choice Jesus or the clothes I just got on clearance there's no contest I pick Jesus, but is that enough? Maybe I have too many things around me and I can't feel him anymore.  Or maybe and this one really sucks if it's true, maybe I'm not supposed to be happy or comfortable. Maybe I don't feel content because I was never supposed to be here, in this place where life is comfortable. Because Christ has called me to come and die not to hit a good sale, put on a good event, and be a model citizen.  And dying seems pretty uncomfortable. I don't know if I died at all today and I'm supposed to be dying every day. But dying every day is so exhausting.  All I wanted while I was hurting and delving into these awful issues from my past and present was not to feel the pain anymore and now, I'm not sure what I want exactly. 

I don't think that God doesn't want me to be happy. He's blessed me too much, with too many incredible relationships and situations not to want me to enjoy them.  Maybe the problem isn't my situations, maybe it's me.  Maybe my relationship with God is a little high school.  You know in High School there was always that couple that had a ton of drama.  They were constantly fighting, breaking up and getting back together and you wondered, Why do they even stay together? Maybe my relationship with Jesus is sort of like that.  Maybe I don't know how to just be with Him without drama. I mean we aren't breaking up and getting back together, but I definitely wonder why He's stayed with me all of this time sometimes.  So, I guess it's time to grow up.  I don't want God to always have to teach me things the hard way, I'd actually really like to learn things without forcing His hand.  So, this is the new frontier for me... How to walk with God when things are good. 

1 comment: